Expressing myself to others is extremely difficult. I lack not the words, but somehow my meaning is lost in the transmission. Discoveries glorious enough to compel me to share them with others are reduced to rudimentary mockeries of that which I had thought so grand. My thoughts are forced into the parameters of the listeners own language. Simply put, people only understand what you are trying to communicate with them within the context of their own internal language. Though we may apparently speak the same language with our mouths, on the inside, we are filtering everything that we hear through a complex system of biases, judgments, misunderstanding and emotions. To make things more complicated this system is dynamic, fluctuating from day to day and changing over time based on a particular persons life experiences and current state of being. So when I talk to people, I really feel that they are interpreting what I say. Sometimes perhaps it is my choice of words that causes this feeling. But more often than not I feel as if I am communicating an idea in a clear and articulate way, while the person I am talking to seems to take a completely different meaning from my words than what I intended. Its almost like talking to someone in English and realizing halfway through your sentence that they only speak Cantonese. Now their are two different worlds, drifting apart, that I am struggling to bridge. My mind is a world of its own, one every bit as vibrant and full of history and ideas as the real world, though I seldom even scratch the surface of my thoughtlife. Inside of my own mind I can find a degree of peace, or at least understanding. If nothing else I have the ability to chase a single thread of thought as far and deep as it may lead me. Outside, in the real world, there are the necessities of communication, and the desire to convey one’s own thoughts to other humans. This is the world that I struggle to find myself in. Inside I am God. Outside I am a mere mortal, vulnerable and weak. And still the outside world is where my fate is determined. Or is it? I know that I must continue to work on my communication skills, but sometimes I feel further than ever from connecting to people. The bridge I am attempting to build to span that chasm between the way my mind perceives the world and the way it truly is has become daunting in its enormity. With each brick I lay upon that road the distance I must travel increases by half. I love to write, for it is only hear that my true voice, the one inside, can be heard. I can’t talk well, so this is such a good way for me to express myself, even if no one ever reads a single word I write. I haven’t been posting much lately, but I have been writing a fair bit. Not all things are to be shared, and frankly sometimes it seem pointless to send the minutiae of my struggles out into the ether. Mostly I have been just writing for myself. I write because it is healthy even when it hurts like hell. And I write because I can, because no one can stop me, or censor me. No one controls me. No one can tell me what to say. These are thoughts in word form and they are mine and no other’s. And when I write, my thoughts become more clear to me. That alone is reason enough for me to let the torrent spill onto the page. It is therapeutic to get it out, to organize and work my more abstract ideas into word form. I need to make writing more of a priority in my life because it is one of the few purely positive things that I enjoy doing. I want to challenge myself to develop more of my ideas and follow through on them, for myself if for no one else. At the same time I do not want to descend into a self-imposed exile, a hermitage within society. So in addition to long nights spent constructing my own mythos akin to William Blake, I must also challenge myself to be more effective and proactive in communicating with other people. I think that this is the only way for me to really grow. Purposeful mental development through writing and honest reflection coupled with a more focused effort in attempting to construct some kind of link with the other beings that haunt this planet by my side.