The Enemy Inside

 

I never open up to anyone about how truly dark some of my thoughts are. I am not exaggerating when I say that I am truly terrified of myself. There is another of me living in my skin. My enemy. The inner me. Call me Jekyll or call me Hyde it makes no difference. Both parts of me are a colossus, two giants battling for position inside of my chest, each fighting to control the body that contains this insanity. Even when one of them succeeds it is not a total victory. When the good giant prevails, and I am moving along at a normal pace, I am still plagued by the nagging thoughts that the evil giant never stops trying to plant in the garden of my thoughts. The good giant, to preoccupied with the external, often loses sight of protecting the garden, and before I know it, the blackest of thoughts has sprung up. It is so much harder to pull these weeds then to stamp them out before they have a chance to grow.  I am so tired, not my body, but on the inside. The war never ceases raging and I am powerless to take sides because, as much as I hate it, both sides are me. Even that wicked monster, who when he gains the upper hand, drives me as quickly and directly as possible towards complete and utter ruin. Meanwhile, the good side looks on in agony, begging me to reconsider, and knowing that his entreaties will forever fall on deaf ears. I know that I am not the only person who suffers this curse. We all have demons, giants of emotion crashing against the walls of our insides and driving us mad. Still, I wish I could rid myself of this. I have always wished this. No matter how many years pass, or how much I feel like I have learned to calm if not control the raging beast inside, it is still always there, lurking skin deep. Perhaps someday I will conquer it. Perhaps I will learn to truly master my thoughts and emotions. For now though, I must do the best I can, to keep Harvey Dent in the light, and push the other half of me down further and further each day, in the hope that eventually I may bury it forever. I feel like half of a man sometimes, but I would rather be that than half man and half monster. If I am only half a man, at least I have a chance to become whole.

I’ve had this feeling for a long time. And it’s like I’m standing outside myself, watching me do things I don’t want to do.” Cutty from The Wire.

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