Pressure

My heart is heavy but I must press on. There are those that need me and I cannot afford to fold, though the way ahead is unclear and my footsteps uncertain. Sometimes it seems that all I have known is pain and I must remind myself of the truth. Of happy days and laughing, holding hands and walking in the moonlight. These thoughts, they comfort me and give me a little courage to press on. But I am not man enough to meet the demands that are placed upon me. The pressure is great and growing still.

At night as I lie awake with the worries of the world upon my mind, I feel so alone, and I wonder: are there others like me? I cannot shake it. This feeling, this lonesmoness is in my bones like a cancer.

I am restless. But I cannot leave. My purpose is here as much as I want to reject it. Not a crusade of my choosing, but a difficult and hateful burden I have neither the strength nor desire to place upon my shoulders.

Still the pressure is there, my constant companion, the only true friend I know. For as much as I despise it and the task at hand, at least I know that it will always be there. Unlike my so-called friends and the women who told me they love me, then left me. Frivolous creatures exuding joy and false hopes then melting away like mist in the morning. With people you never know what to expect, except that they will let you down when you need them most.

The weight on my heart though, anxiety and fear, these I know and have always known. After all of these years I thought I would be used to the way that I am but alas it is not to be. If I can’t understand it I must accept it for what it is. So I struggle on, even as I stumble and sink under the pressure, the pressure that will never let me be.

There is no glamour in this, no glory to be found. It is my lot to toil my days away in obscurity. Fame, wealth, recognition, they mean nothing. In the end it is the soldier in the trenches, the unsung hero, the youthful dead littering the battlefield, who are responsible for winning the war. I am not the hero, I am not the devil. I am just a man, put into a world turned upside down, and subjected to the fickle whims of humanity with all of its ills.

I am a roaming pillar that holds up the sky. I am Atlas looking for a Hercules.

Every breath measure the length of my sojourn here. I dream of the end, of that day when this winding road leads me home. Of a day when I can lay my burden down. Of rest.

For now though I must continue on my way, hand in hand with the troubles that travel by my side.

The world on my shoulders is broken, and I am broken too. I must tread carefully, or I will fall and slip through the cracks. Then the great weight I carry would come tumbling down upon the heads of those I love. This must not be.

Though I buckle and feel the fractures that form with each step, I will persevere.

I must fight the pressure.

2 thoughts on “Pressure

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  1. Your Mom shared your blog with me. Thank you for bearing your heart and soul and all the messy beautiful hard things that come with this life. I have known and still feel this pressure. This lonesomeness in my bones and can relate to it being a constant companion. And, while I understand your feelings, I also have known the healing balm of a kind savior that takes the pressure that I can’t fight on my own. This kind Savior that gently comes to me and comforts me when I too, feel the overwhelming darkness and sorrow of its weight. Lest you think I have it all together, it’s still a battle I wage within the my heart and spirit, far too often for someone that believes and testifies of drinking living water that satisfies and quenches soul despair.
    And, while my heart longs to stand beside people and be the type of friend that bears all pressures, never disappoints or lets one down, unfailingly stands beside you in your sorrow and pain I can’t. I want to, but I’m desperately needy myself. But when sovereignty allows, I want you and all my friends to know…that to the best of my ability, I will walk beside them hand in hand as dawn break or under moonlit night, pointing them to him who is Love.
    I see you, hear you and understand your words in the depth of my being. I’m not as strong as you in bearing the pressure, so I have to lay it down. I’m praying you someday will also trust and know the pressure relieving beauty of the cross.
    I love you friend.
    xoxo

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. It means more to me than I can express to know that there are others in this struggle with me. Though life brings us much pain it is good to step back and recognize that I not the only one who has to overcome hardships in search of hope. I have yet to find salvation but I have not given up believing that I can be redeemed somehow.

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