Wishing for Dreams

All the things I left alone

or thought I had,

sneaking into my dreams

powerless I am as these phantoms assail me,

I awake with a shiver,

frightened by where I have been

the place I had returned too,

and yet when I fell back into the void

I was there again,

the last place I ever wanted to be,

here with you,

panic threatens to take over me

and I fight it,

I’m fighting you again,

fighting for my life,

fighting to take back my mind,

for it is mine and I will say who can

and who cannot enter my castle,

Why then, when I sleep, do my defenses fail me,

Will I ever be rid of you and the things you did to me,

last night I was presented with an option again

that unholy dilemma I ran into no matter how I tried

death seemed the only way out, but this was a dream,

if I died would I awake and be free of you,

If I killed you in my sleep would you stop turning my thoughts against me?

What must I do to be rid of you?

I want no answer from you,

I will find this answer myself,

you are not here,

you are not me and you don’t control me

after years together you don’t even know who I am

So I am happy to celebrate my birthday alone,

far from the curse you placed on me,

still I fail to master my thoughts, as if half of my mind is still plotting to get me

and sleep, that deep sleep that I craved more than any food,

dragging myself towards its sweet embrace when my work was done.

This place of refuge and healing, is now a foreign land,

my enemy stalks the battlefield, and I wish only to escape

running would be surrender though, so I stand,

attempting to project a confidence I have never truly felt

staying up late for fear of what the night will hold

Knowing all the while that when exhaustion takes over

and I can fight it no more,

I will be returned to the realm of fantasy

and the dark terrors of the night.

 

 

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